Your Monthly Review: The Learning Stairs

More stories from Freddie Ambrose

If you’ve ever wondered what a waste of a couple million dollars looks like all you have to do is come to Niwot High School, walk in the front doors, and look down. Of course I’m talking about the sad cousin of the Magic School Bus, the horcrux of pulled hamstrings, you know those weird steps next to the cafeteria: The Learning Stairs. The peak of modern architecture, a beautiful marriage of wasted space and cement, an engineering marvel that reminds us all that we are truly niwot feeder strong. What would we do without this symbol of Niwot culture only matched by the great pyramids? Probably everything. Yeah I can’t really think of a single useful thing about the learning stairs. In fact I’d probably go as far as to say they are one of the least useful structures that I have ever encountered. Like the stairs that only go part of the way up, what’s up with them? Don’t start building stairs if you’re gonna get up 75% of the way and say “eh, good enough” and stop making the stairs. No, stairs are supposed to be an easy way to ascend and descend from point A to point B, not point A to point B minus 25%. You don’t see people making elevators that only go up 75% of the way, do you? But I know what they’re gonna say “it just looks better that way.” But if they care so much about how it looks then why did they put 8 giant slaps of concrete in the middle of a high school? It’s almost as if they were thinking a step ahead while they were building… or should I say two? Overall I would give the learning stairs 3/10 kinder surprise eggs. 

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